1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it is yours for the entire period of this time around.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full time informed school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons: Growth is a process of trial and error: Experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works."
4. A lesson is repeated until learned: A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons never ends. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better than "here." When your there has become a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you.
9. Your answers lie inside you: The answers to life questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.
10. You will forget all of this.
Sweet Jesus
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
When he heard nothing more, after a while, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
The Real Thing!
Pepsi Corp., immediately upon hearing, dispatched a rescue team. Upon arriving, the team was approached by a group of cannibals.
"Oh yes. I had a thigh, and with a Pepsi it was quite delicious," replied the cannibal. "In fact," he went on, "my friend and I shared some arms, and with a couple of Pepsi's they were very tasty."
"Most definitely", said the cannibal. "The brains, especially, are a real delicacy. We divided them up and with some Pepsi's they were absolutely gourmet."
The rescuer, now getting very uneasy but with his curiosity at an unbearable level, asked, "Well, what about their.... their.... well, you know... their 'things'? Do you eat them, too?"
SMART PILLS
One day on the farm old Amos & Andy were walking through the corn field and Amos saw some little dark colored pellets in a pile and asked Andy what they were.
The Coffin
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps....
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything... his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.
Desperate, he throws the Benylin as hard as he can at the apparition....
The Pigs Choice
Betting Becks
The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.
Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you �5,000 that he jumps!" to which Beckham replies, "�5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't."
So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud splattt. Beckham takes �5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses.
"I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."
"No, babe," says David. "That money is yours fair and square. I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."
Liquid Goodness
Viagra is now available in liquid form. FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug, Viagra, in a new, easy-to-take liquid form.
Now, when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one.
Japanese Thinking
This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their standards: They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they stated that they will only accept three defective parts per 10,000.
When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. It said, "We Japanese had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment.
Hope this pleases you."
SHORTCOMINGS
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs.
Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window.
Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this as echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.
Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.
Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."
